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A woman turned to Redditlooking for advice on whether his behavior regarding money was normal, considering their privileged circumstances. Apparently, he’s frugal to a fault despite the fact that he earns a six-figure salary and she has a “substantial trust fund.”

After his frugality led him to regularly stock their fridge with produce from a local food bank, she had enough. The ensuing argument caused her to pack up and move in with her brother until their difference could be resolved.

A woman complained that her ‘frugal’ husband gets groceries from food drives despite making $200k a year.

She explained that she and her husband have been in a committed relationship for over 17 years, and although things have been great overall, “we’ve had a few rough patches.” His frugality is one of their issues.

“What’s important to note is that while he earns more than me and is considered the main provider, I have a substantial trust fund that ensures we’re financially stable,” she wrote. “I work part-time as a teacher while attending university, earning less than him, and most of my income goes towards tuition. Our household income exceeds $200k annually, while the average in our area is below $50k.”

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She said that an ongoing issue they have is her husband’s frugality, but it goes beyond that. She wrote, “He likes to control my spending and have the final say on how he uses his earnings. It’s worth mentioning that I’ve never used any of his income and have no intention to do so.”

According to the National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV), controlling how all of the money is spent can be a form of financial abuse, and it seems apparent that this woman’s husband is controlling when it comes to their spending. “Despite having more than enough food at home, he insists on going to food banks to save money,” she explained. “He intentionally looks disheveled and uses our beat-up car to blend in, even though he’s never experienced food scarcity.”

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The woman explained to her husband that local food banks have posted about how they need donations.

“I suggested he volunteer or donate to gain firsthand experience, but he refuses,” she wrote. “The unfortunate part is that since we’re never short on food, most of what he brings home ends up getting thrown away.” The reason she posted in the first place was that she noticed their fridge was filled with fresh produce and meat. When she confronted her husband about it, he admitted to seeing a Facebook post about a donation of fresh food and decided to pick it up.

“People on social media were already asking if any was left, and there wasn’t,” she wrote. “I showed him these comments, but he brushed them off, claiming people should have gone earlier.”

Exhausted by her husband’s behavior, she packed up and left to stay with her brother, asking for space to think things over, but her husband wasn’t too keen about that either. He accused her of overreacting, being vindictive, and threatened to return to the food banks regardless of what she thought.

Even his family has started reaching out to bombard her with their unwarranted opinions. When she turned off her phone, they started texting her brother, but “Thankfully, he supports my decision and ignores them.” Everyone in the comments supported her as well, calling her husband “completely unhinged.” One person shared the overall sentiment concisely, “Why have you spent close to two decades with someone who tries to control your spending and literally steals from people who can’t afford groceries? I don’t care that ‘anyone’ can go to the food bank. If you’re bringing home 200k a year and get your groceries from a food bank, you’re stealing food from people who need the charity.”

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This ‘frugal’ husband’s behavior isn’t really about saving money on food. His issue is centered around control.

While the wife asserted that her husband never experienced “food scarcity,” that doesn’t mean there wasn’t trauma in his childhood that led to his current fixation with utilizing food banks and food drives. It would certainly explain why his family defended his seemingly strange habits.

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More importantly, however, is his overwhelming need for control. Control over money, food, and ultimately control over his wife. There’s so much we don’t know about this couple’s situation that it’s easy to simply hear the wife’s complaints and assume the husband is a bad guy, but it feels like there’s something under the surface that we’re all missing.

For example, a study from 2020 found that people with undiagnosed anxiety disorders cannot handle uncertainty, and that can lead to abnormal control issues. As Psych Central notedthe same can be said for people with borderline personality disorder who struggle with abandonment issues, which manifests in controlling behavior.

While the possibility of childhood trauma or undiagnosed mental health issues doesn’t excuse this husband’s bad behavior, it does offer a glimpse into the possibility of healing this relationship.

Things always look darkest before the storm, but now that their issues have reached a breaking point, this husband and wife have the opportunity to face them head-on. First, they need to have a serious discussion about what is really going on and then employ the help of professionals who can guide them towards a resolution.

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Isaac Serna-Diez is an Assistant Editor who focuses on entertainment and news, social justice, and politics.